A fake movie screenplay for @ManMadeMoon director Duncan Jones

So the other night I had a crazy vivid Melatonin induced dream about a non existent SciFi/Action film, written and directed by “Moon” and “Source Code” Director Duncan Jones. It was a Space Hospital, and Ron Pearlman was a doctor there and then there was some huge attack and Ron Pearlman had a laser cannon and was blowing aliens away. Random… I know.

So I see Duncan on twitter and I mention it to him just in case he is working on such a film and I have suddenly developed the ability to see the future in my dreams. He wasn’t, far as I can tell, but he did offer a challenge to me. “Write it up!” So, since I am stuck on this train headed home I decided to pick up said gauntlet. Now this is in no way supposed to be my impression of Duncan’s writing (far from it) It is more of a screenplay type first person account with a touch of creative license dashed in. Just FYI to anyone thinking of jacking this… I already registered it with the WGA

INTERGALACTIC SPACE HOSPITAL

A screenplay by Duncan Jones (in the dream I had)

EXT: SPACE HOSPITAL - DAY (I guess… in space it’s hard to tell)

Space, it’s big and stuff.. like really. Bigger than you can comprehend big.

We see a SPACE HOSPITAL. It looks cool. Must have had some great concept artists design it. In the corner there is a post it note. It reads, “Service Rover 3 Boom” I chuckle at the “MOON” reference. I am amazed by the adhesive strength of a post it in the void of space.

INT: SPACE HOSPITAL - CONT.

The inside is super cool too. The art department on this movie is pretty kickass. However it is super “lens-flarey” in here. Did J.J. Abrahms produce this? Maybe Michael Bay is D.P.?

It is a hospital, but for multiple ALIEN RACES. Yeah, try doing a triple bypass on twelve hearts.. thats like… a lot of bypasses.

The doctors wear cool suits, wardrobe designer must have been recommended by art department.

In walks our lead.. it’s damn Ron Pearlman! He’s all gruff and no B.S. He is like “House M.D.” if you thought House might punch your head off of your body at any moment. He is there to solve some big medical mystery because no one understands the Blunkenflap species anatomy quite like he does. Even so he continually reminds us, “Today’s supposed to be my day off.”

But before Ron can operate BOOM! The Hospital is under attack! Man this slick designed other alien race is raging war on SPACE HOSPITAL. Looks like that isn’t just some homeless Blunkenflap drifter, it’s actually THEIR PRINCE. The slick designed race wants to kill him (well there aren’t really “him” and “hers” in the Blunkenflap species, but that thing that looks like a big spiny cockroach leg is actually part of it’s reproductive organs.. but that doesn’t come into play until the third act)

Oh no, this is a hospital! They can’t possibly be prepared for an attack like this can they? Are you kidding me? Ron Pearlman works here! BOOM, a false wall opens and there are tons of laser cannons! The Doctors cool outfits are like super futuristic flack jackets. They have compartments for laser cannon clips built in!

All of the sudden the rest of the cast of “Sons of Anarchy” are there as laser cannon doctors too. I figure Ron Pearlman put in a good word for them. Now comes a big cool battle, Ron Pearlman likes to kill the slick alien race and then say, “Today was supposed to be MY DAY OFF!” A lot of stuff starts blowing up and there is all kinds of cool images. That’s when we find out that Gerty from “Moon” is leading the slick designed aliens. He doesn’t want to tell Ron Pearlman he is a clone and that it isn’t his day off, it’s REAL Ron Pearlman’s day off.

Then my alarm went off and I woke up, so it’s up to Duncan Jones to finish. :)

“Look Mom, I’m a Bitch” (or: how an NYU journalism grad figured openly mocking a “nerd” online would further her career)

This weekend New Yorkers prepared for what many feared would be a catastrophic hurricane to descend upon them and wash away all they held dear. Thankfully for the most part that did not happen. Sure a few things got banged around and other things got washed clean out to sea but for the large and small of it New York faired very well. Let me point out I am glad to hear it… I just wish the storm could have taken Alyssa Bereznak and her latest story with it.

Is that a bit over dramatic? I would say yes. Then again so is Alyssa’s tale of online dating horror. If you haven’t read it yet, feel free to google her (as she even suggests in her article on Gizmod) and see for yourself. I am simply not posting the link because.. well.. I think it is a mean spirited article that doesn’t deserve publicity. Even so, I felt compelled to speak out myself.

So the long and the short of it is this, she tried her hand at online dating, found out (what anyone who has done it knows) that a vast majority of people you meet that way aren’t worth knowing (though the same argument could be made for a bar, or a singles cruise, ect.) and then received a message from a sane, respectful, intriguing guy. AKA: someone she wasn’t repulsed by.

Here is where things get dicey. You see online dating has pros and cons. One con being you aren’t yet “meeting” someone because there is no physical introduction right off the bat save a profile picture or two (and I need not explain how unreliable those are) A pro however is that you can take the time to get to know things about the person you are talking to. Their interests, dislikes, previous relationships, career status and so on, knowing you always have the option to simply block their email if things don’t seem Kosher. Alyssa failed. She failed at what “the good sense God gave a goat” should have told her, to simply correspond a bit first with this lovely buffer we call the world wide web.

She jumped to, “My name is ______ Google away” I won’t touch on how Douchey that sounds in general, but somehow with little to no correspondence in the “getting to know you” arena she decided to meet him for drinks. This is not necessarily a bad thing, if you prefer to get to know someone face to face I applaud you for it, to publicly chastise them after the fact for not telling you more about themselves prior to that however is your failing, not theirs.

During this very first “Date” he mentions he used to play the card game “Magic” and tosses out “In fact, I am a world champion” Let me take a moment here to say I am not a fan of Magic or D&D or any of the like. I have in fact made many a “12 sided die” joke in my day. I do not however feel compelled to think less of someone if they enjoy such activities.

Alyssa continues by explaining she later googled him and found out he is a damn Magic superstar. “He even has his own Wikipedia page” Now despite my lack of interest, I would be impressed by this. Anyone who excels to greatness in… well.. anything, I find interesting. He is beloved in the Magic community and revered by fan boys the world over and from my interpretation this fact disgusted her.

This is where Alyssa ceases to be a mere “poorly skilled Internet dater” and transcends to the ranks of “bad person” You see Alyssa becomes intrigued that this information escaped her prior and actually meets the guy again, not because she has an interest in him it seems but rather so she can gather more intel for what has almost certainly sprouted in her head as “this would make a great story” So poor “Jon” goes on a second date having had an enjoyable time the first go around. I can tell you as a guy, we generally accept that a second date is good sign. Instead he was a lamb to the slaughter, or perhaps more aptly a “Lamb to the Fodder” Rather than giving him a nice evening Alyssa “dived right in” to her interrogation. “Do you still play?.. Strike one. How often?.. Strike two.” and so on She let her journalism degree go to work and lured him out into the open, letting him dig his own grave for the massacre she planned to post. Jon took it hook line and sinker and why wouldn’t he? If an attractive, seemingly intelligent woman asks detailed questions about something you clearly have a passion for would you not tell her everything you could? She smiles and nods and makes sure he isn’t on to her devilish plot before calling it a night.

Next came what was probably the single most offensive portion of her online expose. The following statement is an exact quote,

“I later found out that Jon infiltrated his way into OKCupid dates with at least two other people I sort of know, including one of my co-workers. Mothers, warn your daughters!”

Wait.. I’ve made a mistake haven’t I? I have accidentally clicked a link perhaps? One that lead me away from the story of a woman bashing a guy for being just a bit to nerdy for her tastes and I have stumbled upon one where rapists and diseased sex fiends use online dating sites to trick and entrap unsuspecting Young women right? Nope.. still the same article. Apparently someone with the interests Jon has isn’t fit to date “normal” girls, not without warning them upfront about his condition. We are still talking about a playing card driven RPG and not a STD right?

She went on to conclude her rant with, “Maybe I am an OKCupid asshole for calling it that way.” and via her twitter responded to the backlash by saying, “ dudes, i don’t think it’s bad to be a dweeb. i just dont want to date someone i can’t relate to.” I will say this, you are NOT an asshole for feeling that way. Are you perhaps shallow, short minded, unable to see the forest for the trees? Yeah probably, but who isn’t at your age? You are no worse then I am for thinking less of you as a “journalist” for posting the afore mentioned tweet beginning with “dudes” and filling it with a bunch of lower case “i"s No Alyssa, having that opinion does not make you an asshole. Writing an article "naming names” and vilifying someone who by all accounts gave you two pleasant dates all because you can’t relate makes you an asshole.

Though mission accomplished, this is almost certainly the most popular thing you have ever written, how well that pans out for you career remains to be seen of course. The one thing I am certain of is while “Jon” didn’t deserve the raking across hot coals you delivered he will almost certainly be bombarded by attractive young woman who see the value of a man passionate about… anything, and would love to spend an evening in his company.

I’ll close with this one last thought for Alyssa, be sure to post a link to that article of yours in your OKCupid profile. I think anyone considering the possibility of dating you deserves to know what the outcome might be.